when leaving is harder


I never doubted that God was calling me to leave the ship.  I knew if I stayed it would only be out of fear of what was next.   The ship was comfortable and known.   The ship was family.   The ship was home.   But I knew I had to choose faith, not fear, in response to the unknown and leave even though I had no idea what I was heading into.

I am almost 30 and for the first time I do not know what is next.   In the past, even if the path was a little uncertain, I always had a plan or goal or something that I was moving towards but not this time.  For the last few months I’ve been mostly excited for the unknown; the adventure of open possibilities that were going to be in front of me.

Who am I freaking kidding?

I am almost 30, unemployed and essentially just moved in with my parents.  I’m still in denial on that last one.  If I don’t unpack my bags am I really living here? No, right?  So instead I’m continuing to live out of a heap of wrinkled clothing strewn about my brothers old room so I don’t have to see it in mine – that is if I can muster enough motivation to even get dressed in the morning.

It’s hard to not just stay in pj’s when there is nothing I need to get dressed for.  It’s hard to get out of bed when there is nothing to get up for.  It is hard to get out of the darkness when I can’t see the light.

For the first time home doesn’t feel like home.  It feels like a prison reminding me that I have no idea what is next, how long I’ll be here, and that I’m alone and apart from community.  For the first time I was not excited to be flying into Boston because I didn’t know when I’d be flying back out again.

I’ve always known I was meant to live and serve overseas.   So why am I back in the US, God?

That is a question only he can answer and only in his time.   I know all I can do is trust.  He has gotten me this far and he won’t fail now.

I knew I wasn’t supposed to stay on the AFM.  God called me into the next stage of life, whatever that stage is.  My heart was completely sown into community and life there but it was time to go.  There is nothing drawing me to this home.  Nowhere feels like home.

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” C.S.  Lewis

I am made for another world but I am here, now.   So I will sit and wait and pray myself into truth and light.   I will get up in the morning.   I will get dressed.  I may even unpack one of these days.   And I will trust.  Trust that God has already written my future.   Trust there is a reason I’m back in Maine.  Trust there is community here even if it doesn’t look like what I think it should.   Trust that no matter where I end up, it is temporary, for my home is in heaven.   And trust that all he wants from me is an obedient heart.

Here’s to the next step in this journey.



5 thoughts on “when leaving is harder

  1. Jenny,
    I felt exactly the same way when we knew God was calling us out of the Navy and then to stay here. He (God) made our paths straight -even when we crisscrossed the states. His plans have unfolded a bit more as we lean into Him still….the hardest part was leanring to be anchored only to Him when I didnt know the “why”. Hugs!

  2. Hi Jenny, I can hear that it is a confusing time foe you. I applaud you in listening to God to let go and walk into a new season of your life. Sometimes it is time to rest, and lean into Him for a time. Perhaps it is time for Him to prepare you for a new purpose in Him.

    I was Hospice LNA. I am 100% sure God called me to it and caring for them was pure joy. Then I was to leave due to injury. I am unable to work but am able to live! My injury is not visible but has limited me in certain ways. So I have been resting, doing Christian art, attending bible and prayer groups that have been hugely helpful.

    Linda Bulis hosts a group that is welcoming, loving, confidential and study various ways to cope with life, heal heart hurts, worship God. It is on aWednesday ar Bethany from 10 to 12ish. It is usually in the barn but sometimes on lower floor in room 121. I invite you to join us. You do not have to talk if you don’t want to. You share when you feel comfortable.

    In Christ’s love, Mary Sweeney. My Facebook page is Mary Nugent Sweeney

  3. Jenny, Even when you think you may know the path – life happens and changes happen. Sometimes hard but usually in the end, with great outcomes. Just trust and go with it all. You are loved and respected by so many. It will work. Barbara

  4. Pingback: Seen. Known. Loved | from the lion's head

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s