I never doubted that God was calling me to leave the ship. I knew if I stayed it would only be out of fear of what was next. The ship was comfortable and known. The ship was family. The ship was home. But I knew I had to choose faith, not fear, in response to the unknown and leave even though I had no idea what I was heading into.
I am almost 30 and for the first time I do not know what is next. In the past, even if the path was a little uncertain, I always had a plan or goal or something that I was moving towards but not this time. For the last few months I’ve been mostly excited for the unknown; the adventure of open possibilities that were going to be in front of me.
Who am I freaking kidding?
I am almost 30, unemployed and essentially just moved in with my parents. I’m still in denial on that last one. If I don’t unpack my bags am I really living here? No, right? So instead I’m continuing to live out of a heap of wrinkled clothing strewn about my brothers old room so I don’t have to see it in mine – that is if I can muster enough motivation to even get dressed in the morning.
It’s hard to not just stay in pj’s when there is nothing I need to get dressed for. It’s hard to get out of bed when there is nothing to get up for. It is hard to get out of the darkness when I can’t see the light.
For the first time home doesn’t feel like home. It feels like a prison reminding me that I have no idea what is next, how long I’ll be here, and that I’m alone and apart from community. For the first time I was not excited to be flying into Boston because I didn’t know when I’d be flying back out again.
I’ve always known I was meant to live and serve overseas. So why am I back in the US, God?
That is a question only he can answer and only in his time. I know all I can do is trust. He has gotten me this far and he won’t fail now.
I knew I wasn’t supposed to stay on the AFM. God called me into the next stage of life, whatever that stage is. My heart was completely sown into community and life there but it was time to go. There is nothing drawing me to this home. Nowhere feels like home.
“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” C.S. Lewis
I am made for another world but I am here, now. So I will sit and wait and pray myself into truth and light. I will get up in the morning. I will get dressed. I may even unpack one of these days. And I will trust. Trust that God has already written my future. Trust there is a reason I’m back in Maine. Trust there is community here even if it doesn’t look like what I think it should. Trust that no matter where I end up, it is temporary, for my home is in heaven. And trust that all he wants from me is an obedient heart.
Here’s to the next step in this journey.