I try to say goodbye and I choke

I try to say goodbye and I choke 
Try to walk away and I stumble 
Though I try to hide it, it’s clear 
My world crumbles when you are not here               

                                                             Chorus from Macy Gray’s “I Try”


This song has always reminded me of Michael J Fox’s final episode of Spin City.  It was used in the commercial for the episode and perhaps the show itself.  The only time I ever tuned in to watch the show live was to see his emotional goodbye.  I’m sure I had heard the song many times before the season finale and I know I’ve heard it many times since but for some reason the picture sticks in my mind above anything else when it comes to this song. 

I bring it up now because this song has been going through my head a lot the last week.  Yes, it is a break up song or some sort of sappy relationship song.  The truth is, other than the chorus I have no idea what the rest of the lyrics are or even the melody for that matter.  And seeing as I am on a ship with spotty internet and no access to YouTube I have to settle for googling – where would we be without google, truly – so it is hard to gain the full impact of the song. 

Anyway, why has the song been in my head?  Well because I have had quite a few goodbyes this past week.  The first was my wonderful coworker and fellow Lab Tech, although she called herself a “scientist” which sounds way cooler especially with an Aussie accent.  She made the transition into my work in the lab and my life here on this ship so much easier than I know it could have been.  She gave me someone to sit with in the dining hall at lunch which everyone knows is the scariest time and place on this vessel.  She made me cheat sheets for signing out units of blood and directions to the OR.  She was truly a blessing and Kaite, if you are reading this, I will miss you my last few weeks and hope to see you again one day!

Next were some nurses who I met my first weeks here.  Who knew that friendships could be formed in such a short period of time?  These girls welcomed me, made me feel at home, said hello in the hallways.  Two were in a cabin on Deck 2 which became our movie watching room and became known as the “Dungeon.”  The third I bonded with over my personal bubble space and the ship is not quite as funny without her.  Jen, Kate and Meegs the ship is not the same without you three.

Lastly, and surprisingly most emotional, was my befriend-a-patient who got discharged earlier this week.  This is great news for her but I will dearly miss her sweet face whenever I walk past her ward or deliver labs to the nurses.  This little girl and I could not even speak the same language but somehow in the last few weeks I grew to love her.  A feisty, fiery eleven year old who once “yelled” at me for not coming to see her more often than I did.  I now wish I had visited more and am thankful for the time I did spend with her especially at church this past Sunday.    

After this past week I’ve realized the hardest thing about being on this ship is not the two minute showers or the six berth cabins.  It’s not answering late night pages or being woken up when your bunkmate is working a different shift.  No, the hardest thing about living on this ship is saying goodbye to the ones who have found a place in your heart and hoping that one day you will see them again this side of heaven.


Here are some photos from last week

 last day with Kaite (center) in the lab   Image


last movie night in the “Dungeon” Image


We can’t take our own photos with patients so…Michael J Fox’s goodbyeImage









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